I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
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Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
Sharon, call the vet
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too