him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
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sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.