A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
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Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me