[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
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Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.