Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
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If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
I feel attacked.
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile