*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
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Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
The Punning Dead.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
584.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.