Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
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If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
Thursday Thought.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.