ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
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Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though