I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
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[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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shut up and take my money
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
you have three unread messages
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.