Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
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People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?