Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
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beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
Awwwww shit.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda