Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
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An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?