Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
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Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.