It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
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I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……