I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
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Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
Good morning, Twitter x
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
My background check bounced.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!