<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
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“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
Breaking news:
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*