*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
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App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
2 years later
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.