The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
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Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
My circle of trust is a meatball
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
I’m already scared
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.