ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
You Might Also Like
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.