Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
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You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
Google Pay be like:
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.
When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.