This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week đź‘€
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One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.