Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
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[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
👾👾👾
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁