Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
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Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
yeah no that’s fair
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
my first dose meeting my second