[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
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Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
lol
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.