3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
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I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.