I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
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Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
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Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.