70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
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In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button