Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
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I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.