I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
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The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.