7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
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if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
Yoga Matt
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
forgive me baja for i have blast
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.