I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
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I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs