[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
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Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Today’s Times
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
This guy’s not having it 😆
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*