Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
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There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler