If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
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It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]