In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
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Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.