Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
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It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.