Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
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We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.