Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
You Might Also Like
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
a badder mouse
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
Who did it better?
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.