Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
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I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.