aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
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Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
This is I, Robot all over again
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.