we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
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I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
I missed you with all my darts
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.