Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
You Might Also Like
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
me 2 months after i graduated
This is why I hate group projects
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
Time heals everything 🙂
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.