Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
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The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
#have a #great #PancakeDay
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
Heroic Misunderstanding
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages