Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
You Might Also Like
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar