I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
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My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
selena gomez
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone