I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
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Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
Check out the legs on this baby
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]