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“What?”
– Jude
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?