One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
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If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy