The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
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He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
Incredible customer service.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??