Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
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Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
called in thicc to work this morning
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.